Thursday, February 16, 2006

"A rosin bag is just a mirage of innumerable particles constantly speeding up or slowing down."

Alternate titles include:
  1. If Tom Cruise was a ballplayer...
  2. "She Thought I was Looney Toons"
  3. "Eleven equals BALANCE"

Click this link and read this article - I'll wait...








Alright. What the hell was that? There is no way that was real. I refuse to believe it. This is all a big joke. Darren Daulton is just trying to pull a fast one on us. You almost got me, Dutch, but you gotta do better than that next time. If clicking a link is too much work, (normally I'd say it is, but if you only click on one link all year long then this should be it) here are some choice excerpts from an SI.com exclusive article on arguably the greatest catcher in club history (for what it's worth, Bill James thinks so) and, without a doubt, the pride of the '93 NL champion Philadelphia Phillies...

Darren (Dutch) Daulton is now a bona fide member of the Fifth Dimension...It's a nether world that involves alchemy, auras, telepathy, energy transfers, astral planes, planetary ascension, parallel universes and other psychic phenomena too mind-boggling to catalogue here...

In Daulton's private cosmology, everything "just is" -- so yesterday, right now and tomorrow all happen simultaneously. "Your mind creates the reality you live in," says the former big league catcher...

To most of us living in the Third Dimension, Daulton's life started getting surreal during spring training of 1994 in Clearwater, Fla. Crouching behind home plate at Jack Russell Stadium, he was practically compelled to stare at a Hooter's billboard featuring his estranged wife, Lynne, in dead center field. Lounging languorously in a skimpy tanktop, Lynne -- a former Playboy

"There is no good or bad," he says, explicating the Dutch Theory of Being. "We're all the same, but we're all different. The higher we ascend, the more the same we are." ...

"I didn't have my first out-of-body experience until I was 35," he says. Curiously, the epiphany occurred at one of baseball's holiest shrines -- Wrigley Field. "I hit a line-drive just inside the third base line to help win a game," he recalls. "The strange thing was I didn't hit that ball. I never hit balls inside the third base line!" playmate -- was the company's poster personality. The day after Daulton signed an $18.5 million contract extension, someone added the graffito: "$9.25 million." ...

He left the ballpark in tears. "I told my wife, 'It wasn't me who swung that bat! It wasn't me!'" he says. "She thought I was Looney Tunes." She's not alone...

"Reality is created and guarded by numeric patterns that overlap and awaken human consciousness, like a giant matrix or hologram," writes the .245 lifetime hitter. "They are created by sacred geometry -- numbers, the language of the universe, codes of awakening -- such as 11:11, which represent twin strands of DNA about to return to balance. Eleven equals BALANCE." ...

"I'll wake up at night and look at the clock and it's 11:11," he says. "I'll turn on the TV and see a baseball game tied at 11 in the 11th inning. I'll look out the window and see a car passing with 1111 on the license plate. The car will turn into a driveway with 1111 on the mailbox." ...

Eventually, Daulton would like to compile these synchronicities in a book and call it If They Only Knew! ...

The book would recount the day Daulton literally stepped through time. It would detail his ability to become a sort of otherworldly Willard Scott -- at times, he says, the weather changes with his moods. "At one point everyone was against me, kind of like I'd struck out with the bases loaded," he says. "Whenever my thoughts got totally negative, it would automatically rain." ...

Daulton can ramble in mind-numbing detail about Dark Forces, the illusion of substance, the limitations of linear time. "The universe is made of vibrating energy," he says. "When energy vibrates fast enough on our 3-D plane, matter becomes invisible. Everything you see is vibrating at a certain level. A dirt clod, a rock..." ...

Earth, Daulton believes, is entering a quadrant of space in which the "vibrational energy" will increase dramatically. "The Mayan calendar stops at Dec. 21, 2012 -- the date the Mayans believed the world would end," he says. "On that day, at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence, like the crew of the Enterprise in Star Trek." ...

Daulton hopes to beat the rush. "I can't wait to disappear," he says. "I'd disappear today if I could."

Times like these make me wish I was smart enough to come up with something insightful or clever to say in response to what I just read. I got nothing. What the hell was that?

In other slightly less insane news, pitchers and catchers did in fact report for duty today. So, Happy New Year to Phillies fans everywhere - really any baseball fan with their favorite team already in camp either in Floriday in Arizona. Bad news on the first day of workouts though - Darren Daulton was not happy to hear the first practice of the new season began at 12 noon and not an hour earlier...

Needless to say, it automatically thunderstormed shortly thereafter.

An event as big as Darren Daulton losing his mind just feels like the perfect occasion to bust out the first ever Phillies Baseball Poll Question of the Day. It's a tough one - think long and hard before you answer...

Choose the one word that best describes Darren Daulton
Batty
Bonkers
Kooky
Unbalanced
Flaky
Sane
Studly
Other (specify in Comments)
Free polls from Pollhost.com

3 Comments:

Anonymous Chinpo said...

I'm going to go with "Looney Tunes"

5:24 PM  
Blogger XXX said...

Chinpo -

"Looney Tunes" is so good that I'll allow it, even though it doesn't fit into the one word criteria the question specifies. Very clever, my friend. Hey, shouldn't you be at THON right about now?

6:17 PM  
Anonymous lisa said...

Update on darren! The book is now out at www.darrendaulton.com. it's got some interesting stuff. check it out.

4:56 PM  

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